I donated a kidney to my husband 12 years ago. He’d always been an incredibly healthy person, until one day he wasn’t. The change in him was immediate, and it was really tough to juggle the dialysis treatment with work and family life with our five kids. It was a really difficult time for us.
At first, I think he was in denial about how serious his kidney disease was, though starting dialysis probably helped him understand just how serious it was. He didn’t really mind the treatment, but it helped him realise that he wouldn’t be alive without being attached to the dialysis machine every few days.
After talking about it between us, I put myself forward to see if I could donate one of my kidneys to him. At the time we thought the process would be straightforward, but I had no idea how complex and time consuming it would really be!
I was pretty surprised by how many tests were involved and how long the process took from start to finish. We also had to travel quite a distance for each of the tests, as we don’t live near the hospital. It was quite difficult with a small daughter and four other kids to look after.
It took several months before we finally got the call from the doctor telling us I was a match for my husband. But even that wasn’t the end, as then they had to do even more checks to make sure I was healthy enough to donate.
It felt like there was a lot of waiting around, at a time where we had so much to be getting on with. We had to fit the tests and hospital appointments around his dialysis treatment, as well as picking the kids up from school and making sure they were looked after. It was difficult, but in the end we made it work because we had to. We knew it was the right thing to do and would make things easier in the long run.
Unfortunately we were given three different dates for the transplant which each had to be cancelled for one reason or another. They explained how they wanted to make sure that when the transplant is done, it has the best chance of success and is done under the best circumstances. The wait always felt frustrating though, and by the end we just wanted it all to be done.
As a silver lining, on the fourth transplant day I was actually quite relaxed as we’d been through the process a few times already, and it wasn’t too bad. I just assumed it would all be called off again at the last minute. It didn’t really hit me that it was real until I was waking up after the operation!
I remember feeling a terrible pain in my neck and worrying “oh god, what happened? Why do I have pain in my neck, did something go wrong?” But it turned out it was just some unrelated pain from earlier in the year! It took me a bit of time before I was able to actually admit to myself that it had all gone well and we would be able to get back to our lives.
My husband recovered really well from the transplant. It’s been life-changing, not just for him but for the whole family. We have more time together now he isn’t needing to drive to the hospital every other day for his dialysis, and we are able to enjoy our time as a together again. We could go on trips and holidays without having to think around the logistics of how he would get his treatment. It gave us back our lives. I got my husband back.
Sadly we struggled quite a bit during Covid as the anti-rejection meds he was on for his new kidney made him immunosuppressed. But we made it work.
In general, the whole thing has been a total triumph. A lot of people say that donating a kidney to someone is altruistic, but honestly I see my decision as pragmatic. My husband and I are in a partnership, and we need each other to function. Kidney donation gave me something to do to make sure we could both function, for our kids and for each other. A big part of any relationship is helping each other when you’re given the chance to, and that makes both of you stronger in the long run. I never wanted to feel like this was a great gift I bestowed. We’re partners in this, and I never had any doubt it was the right thing to do.
